"Sometimes the only closure that you need is knowing that you deserve better." - Trent Shelton, American motivational speaker, author, former NFL player
Happy March! I hope the start of spring brings you feelings of rejuvenation and new beginnings. Talking about new beginnings implies endings. As Mother Nature sheds her old winter coat, sometimes we also have things we need to let go of to embrace something different.
When something ends, whether it's a relationship, a lifestyle change or state of mind, we often think we need to have closure to move on from it. We need that last conversation, that heartfelt declaration, that special memento.
But I've come to learn that we don't need closure. At least not in the way we normally define it. Allow me to explain.
We often think of closure in the context of a romantic relationship. Or perhaps you think of a friendship that's ending, or a life change, like retiring.
In any circumstance, most of us feel we need closure. To be able to close the door on one experience to make way for the next. Sometimes it takes the form of a conversation. That last gasp with our former partner, where we express our feelings and cry together. Or taking an object with special meaning home with us from the office on our last day. Whether actual or symbolic, we think this will help us move on.
I have a little different take on closure. I actually don't think we need it. Because oftentimes, what we define as closure is something very different. It could be about satisfying our ego, or an excuse to reach out to our ex-partner who we're not over yet. Ironically, it could be about holding on versus letting go of the thing we think we need closure on.
In a romantic relationship, asking your ex to meet up with you to talk about the end of your partnership might not be about closure. Perhaps you're secretly hoping for a reconciliation. That they'll reconsider ending the relationship (whether they initiated it or not). Or it could also mean you get that apology or confession you've long waited for.
Ultimately, though, neither of those things are closure. Obviously if you do reconcile, the relationship hasn't ended. And if you are looking for something you feel you need or deserve, this is often to satisfy your ego's need to be right. I know that sounds a little harsh, but if we're honest with ourselves about what we're really seeking when we ask for closure, we may find other motives at play.
We may also use the idea of closure as an excuse to not move forward. We tell ourselves we need closure before we can go on to the next thing. Like we need to have that closure conversation before we can date anyone else. But what if that conversation never happens? Or it doesn't satisfy your reason for having it? Even if we think we need closure but we don't get it, we can't allow it to keep us at a standstill when it comes to learning and growing in our own lives.
All that said, moving on from anything, be it a relationship or something else, without what we think of as closure, isn't easy. Sometimes we don't want things to change. Or we want them to change differently. Or a lot of times, we just don't want to let go.
But life is change. There will always be things that happen that you prefer didn't. And as hard as it is, sometimes you must simply accept and move on. Whether or not you get the conversation or the ending you want.
You will be okay. Even without closure.
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